Local Hometown News!

Local Woman Births Christmas Alien Baby

"That's not my baby," Ms. Cutinham exclaimed. "It's one of 'dem damn aliens again, sticking probes all up in my girl parts!"

yessuh!Bambi Priscilla Cutinham, local hairdresser, went into labor Tuesday morning at her trailer in Cooter while using the restroom after Christmas dinner. "All I know is I had to hit da john after Granny's pecan pie kicked in, so Jimmy, Boomer, Kenny, and Jimbo came over ta help me's up- see, that's how it's been since da knee operation," Ms. Cutingham, who did not know she was preagnant, said as she described the miracle bastard child birth. "... soon as I gots to da baffroom, my stomach started hurtin something awful, and all of the sudden that thing pops out in da toilet. I thought I needed a 'bambulance!"

After hearing screams from the bathroom, Aunt Keisha called 911.

Following a short investigation, Local police said that the baby was indeed the bastard childbastard child of an alien abduction and probing. "The evidence left at the scene was a 'hole lot like the apparent ass-raping incident involving Earl Roscoe Jackson back in September," Deputy Kinglee explained. "Even the aliens were both described as neckless chubby creatures, with short arms and legs. Them aliens seem to like ar' specimens!"

The fetus, a still-born, was secured and transported to a confidential holding facility until the CIA can retreave the specimen. Tours to see the fetus at "Uncle Bert's Pool Hall" start at 3 and 4:30pm, or immediately following Ms. Cutinham's afternoon nap.

Man Births Triplets in Huddle House Bathroom

With the wonders of miracle fertilization drugs and a God gracious enough to implant uteruses in men, Coonesville has three more youngins to look upon in admiration.

In an all but normal visit to Huddle House, Mr. Harvey Cornsyrup Washington got a lot more than his normal sausage omelet and hasbrown scattered all the way. After finishing a solo meal served by the lovely miss Shirley Ann-Marie Redford, Mr. Washington felt something wasn't quite right; Ms. Redford explains.

...I didn't know what the hell was going on! I was just telling the man about my new tazmanian devil seat covers I bought at the Dollar General, and he just dropped everything and took off for the baffroom. I thought for sure he'd wanna hang around a little longer to check them out after I got off! I wanted that fine man to help me break 'em in, if ya know what I'm meanin'...."

Mr. Washington continues.

"I was just sittin there chit-chattin' with Shirley, soaking up the hashbrown juices with my biscuit, when my intestines done started doing cartwheels over my butthole... I ain't EVER had to shit so bad in my life..."

The following depiction may be a little too graphic for our younger readers.

"...After I made it to the toilet, I dropped my pants as fast as I could but I think my inards were already on the way out. Hellfire and damnation had already set up shop in my ass and the devil hisself had my balls in a bear trap. I couldn't help but to holler and yell out curse werds just like that little nubile pervert girl in 'The Exorcist'. Then I think I passed out, but not fer long. The smell, which was worse than Uncle Jeds house when he's cookin' chitterlings, woke me up... all I know is after that, those three little youngins were just laying there screamin and cussin me in a steaming pool of cursed roast beef soup. I think the Lord done choosin me fer an immaculate exception or whatever it's called, just like the virgin Mary.... and that's why I'm naming them all Jesus..."

Mr. Washington, who has also been fighting inevitable weight gain from midnight cravings of ice cream and beef jerky, was pleased to find that the whole ordeal cost him 85 lbs.

"...Not only that, but that hottie Shirley gave me my meal free! wooooo heeeee!!!"

Gimp Thumb Drummer Makes It Big

Mrs. Amelia Opal Grayson, head librarian at the Coonesville Community Library and proud grandmother of 18, always knew she had talent in her family. She says now she didn't know the extent of it until she heard the latest news about her drummer grandson, Levy Cheddar Wilson. "That phone just done been ringin' off the hook since everybodys heard about his new band," Mrs. Grayson explained. "Not ta mention, dat boys always had a way with the ladies if ya know what I means!"

Wilson, musician and former mechanic for the Jim Deal Sausage Super Stock team pit crew, called home with news that he had been picked up by "Strokin' Coons", an experimental country/R&B/hard rock 80's indie band from the hills of north Alabama who have toured as far north as West Virginia! Panhandling for a pack of Winstons, the drummer was performing his "50 gallon bucket/spoon in tune" routine on the curb outside of Slimdale Truck Stop's I-20 location near the GA-AL border when he was discovered. After listening to Wilson's performance, members of the band 'jumped' on the opportunity to add him to the lineup.

But Levy Cheddar Wilson's touching story doesn't end there. On a drunken fishing trip in his teen years, Levy got a little carried away while cleaning his prized walleye. Mistaking his thumb for a fin, he sliced his right thumb clean off. Bestbud Timbo Gordon explains- "And then that thumb fell right off the side of the boat. Levy didn't even realize what'd happened til he reached for another beer, but as soon as he did, he started whoopin' and hollering like a rattler had done grabbed hold of his balls. Then I said 'hurry Levy, jump in and get yer thumb out of the water 'fore it gets away!' and shore 'nuff, as soon as the werds left m' mouth, a muther load 28 lb catfish lept straight out of the water and swallowed Levy's thumb whole! That fish musta been to Sea World or sumthin..."

Not willing to give up his love of masturbation and drumming, Wilson had friend Timbo drive him to see Dr. Jim Pickens , the closest doctor who was only 35 miles away. In a groundbreaking surgery, Pickens replaced Wilson's gimp thumb with his left big toe. Despite the doctor's ability to remove a heifer's 3rd stomach with his eyes closed, the outcome of the replacement was unfortunately not quite as good as the cow surgeon had expected. Ever since, Levy Wilson has been forced to wear a brace to play drums and is always a little off balance. Masturbation is still not an option for fear of spreading his syphilis problem to his new appendage. Levy doesn't let it get him down though. According to his grandmother, he's even managed to make K-martina Avondale, the lead singer and head tambourine player of"Strokin' Coons", his sweetheart!

Coming Soon!!! The Toe-Thumb Drummer Fan Club! (go to the message board to join.)