2009

With the wonders of miracle fertilization drugs and a God gracious enough to implant uteruses in men, Coonesville has three more youngins to look upon in admiration.

Three of Coonesville's finest ladies have traveled to Biloxi to work at the famous Deja Vu strip club. Bitsey Claire Sherwood, Bertrice Patsy Womack, and Opal Leanne Harrel have purchased nice single wide to live in until they "make it big." Deja Vu owner Wesley "Royal" Spitz said many have asked why he would hire the ladies, who will be stripping odd days of the week and holidays.

Earl Roscoe Jackson has once again returned to Coonesville from one of his frequent absences. Prone to alien abductions, the local gentry is not at all surprised. Interviewed at Mel's Barber Shop, Clit Marshall said "ev'body done know that damn Earl is some sort of alien sex slave, kinda like when i was under the spell of that triflin' saucy wench Ellie Mae Hewlitt Monroe.

Two long suspected vigilantes accused of involvement in the "Special Olympics" maiming were finally apprehended last Friday night in the parking lot of the local Coonseville Lion's Club.

After recieving a harassing phone call, Chevy-Buford Robinson called the local Coonesville Police Department to report the incident. After the hot donut light was turned off, Deputy Crawford raced to the scene from where the phone call had originally been placed.

Mrs. Amelia Opal Grayson, head librarian at the Coonesville Community Library and proud grandmother of 18, always knew she had talent in her family.

"That's not my baby," Ms. Cutinham exclaimed. "It's one of 'dem damn aliens again, sticking probes all up in my girl parts!"

Billy-Bob Cornwall Winthrop, better known as "Tiny", was attacked by a donkey with a pecker he intended to use. Early Monday afternoon, Tiny found himself with a case of the shits and was forced to make an emergency roadside stop on SR-34 to take care of his bowel issues.

This year's annual Mother's Day Pig-Pickin' Orgy went off without a hitch thanks to our good friends at the local Lion's Club, Kiwanis Club, and Elk's Lodge. The three organizations teamed up again to help Coonesville residents honor each of their mothers, aunts, and step-mom/half sisters however many times removed.

Coonesville resident Heffner Limburg was found dead after attending the local drunken St. Patty's Day Parade. Local coroner ruled the cause of death to be accidental asphyxiation by means of swollen neck bone.

In a stellar performance Tuesday evening, 4th graders from Coonesville's very own Robert E. Lee Elementary School put on their rendition of the 1972 blockbuster hit movie "Deliverance".

February 1st and Valentine's Day has come to our fair city early. The entire town is all a flutter with the touch of cupid's arrow. High school students make it to third bass with their girlfriends under the bleachers beside the football field during P.E. class. Farmers pay loving attention to their prize sheep with lust-filled intent.

x x x message board | daily ramblin' | rate a hick | submit feedback | ask skeeter 01.28.02 ~ Rock Band "Nelson" Performs in Coonesville ~ Probably the biggest thing to happen to Coonesville since the Great Tammy Faye Baker Conspiracy of '84, the rock sensation twins known as 'Nelson' left a long-lasting mark without a hitch.

Early Tuesday evening, Roscoe Hendrix, the manager of Bell's grocery store, called police after receiving several harassing phone calls from Amelia Opal Grayson. Grayson, the head librarian at the Coonesville Community Library and proud grandmother of 8, was calling to talk to 15 year-old Lynard Jackson, a stock-boy for Gladden's.

Opal Leanne Harrel was admitted to Coonesville County General Lee Hospital this evening around 10:30pm having sustained 3 cracked ribs and a broken hip. The incident occurred while Ms. Harrel was attending her 15th year class reunion in the Fellowship Hall of St. Mary of the Holy Zion of Christ's Glory Church of God.

". . . all I know is dat Bubba's hound dog come tearin' cross the driveway justa barking at that cow like it wuz possessed by the devil hisself! . . ." - neighbor's account.

Charlton LeeDansville, a 17yr old volunteer firefighter, recently contacted PorkGravy.com with some vital late breaking news! The big buzz all over CB radio frequency 37 is that there are two escapee prisoners from Flacknerz State Prison for Women and they're hiding out somewhere in Coone County!

Coonesville, Dec. 31st. 2008: The whole town is gathered in Hanging Square, celebrating the coming new year and awaiting the big event. This year's lucky mother, 16 yr. old Jonelle Eflieburg sits proudly on the traditional, "Trap Door of Good Fortune" awaiting her magical ascent into the heavens.

2008

"...Raccoons are an adorable sweet woodland creature with their striped tails and,"masks". Don't be fooled by their gentle appearance and cute antics for underneath may lie a far more sinister persona. Sweet? Cuddly? Cute? How about, Satan's Own Death Rodents From the Deepest Depths of Hell's Sweltering Noxious Bowels? The Demon woodland Beast that turned a most joyful day into a blood fest of terror and sorrow for a local family. Woe to the man that comes face to face with the unrelenting wrath of nature gone wrong!..."

While checking the herds Thursday night, Jimmy Cougar Wallace, better known as "Little Armless Jimmy", shot and killed a suspicious man who was apparently trying to herd cows out of their pasture through a hole he had cut open in the fence.

Early Friday morning, police were contacted by Cletus Hogmonder, local Farmer and avid female body building enthusiast, who had come across the body of Buford Hamilton in his pig pen.

ed Carl Eubanks, local plumber, was apprehended today after a 4 hour stand off in a bathroom. He's accused of having sexual relations with Carla McGill, a tenth grader at Coonesville High School.

2005

A local veteran 7-11 employee from Coonesville was effected first hand by the recent terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centers and the Pentagon. Miss Gertude "Lady" Donahue had just been transferred from her local quickie mart to the company's lower Manhattan location so she could oversee the training of new employees.