Kinsfolk
Local News
Rock Band "Nelson" Performs in Coonesville
Probably the biggest thing to happen to Coonesville since the Great Tammy Faye Baker Conspiracy of '84, the rock sensation twins known as 'Nelson' left a long-lasting mark without a hitch.The Nelson brothers took a break from their red hot east coast tour Saturday to race their prized jalopy at the Coonesville Motor Speedway in the lightweight division.
Their vintage race demon is sponsored by Red Hot Sausages and is apparently a piece of crap. The twins suffered an embarrasing loss after blowing a radiator hose in the first lap. The two then lost any opportunity to reenter the race after arguing too long to over who would have to get their hands greasy. Despite the incident, the Nelson brothers still hung around afterwards and performed in the "Post-Race Ho-Down."
Overall, the concert was a success although some spectators had mixed feelings about the twins: "...dem boys just come up in here and think they gonna win me over throwing around all the blond hair and playing some kinda pansy music, they wrong!" Timbo Cornwall, local mechanic, stated in response to the duo. "They need to be playin' to some skynard or McGraw- that's real music. I bet even they some of dem homosectuals or something!..."
Thirteen year old Emma-Sue Virginia Roxdale, felt differently about the show. "...I ain't ever seen nobody famous befo'! They was so beautiful running around up there... my momma told me to invite them to da trailer, but they said they didn't want none of her fish tacos with cream. Guess they wasn't hungry..."
Regardless of the reactions, residents will definitely remember the day that the Nelson twins put Coonesville on the map. Or at least gave the folks over in Cooter reason to get their own race track.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."