Kinsfolk
Local News
Local Librarian Knocked up by Stockboy
Early Tuesday evening, Roscoe Hendrix, the manager of Bell's grocery store, called police after receiving several
harassing phone calls from Amelia Opal Grayson. Grayson, the head librarian at the Coonesville Community Library and proud grandmother of 8, was calling to talk to 15 year-old Lynard Jackson, a stock-boy for Gladden's. According to Grayson, 58, the star stock-boy had taken advantage of her after getting drunk at the annual Coonesville Community Library Ho-Down, held every year in January.
"That boy took me out to the back of the barn and tied me up all kinky like!" Ms. Grayson stated during questioning. "First, he started
touching me in the girl parts all slow like and treating me like a queen. He kept tellin' me to squeallike a pig. Then, all of the sudden he bent me over like a spruce tree and [graphic content]. That boy knew what he was doing! But now I is pregnant!..."
When asked about the alleged ass-raping, Lynard Jackson denied the accusations. "...I didn't fuck that ol' hag! Or I don't think I did. I may've done a little experimenting with 'Wilbur' and 'Babe' out in the pigpen, but I would've known it if I had my pecker anywhere near that fish farm 'tween her legs!..."
Police are skeptical of Ms. Grayson's accusations. Just last week, she flooded the phone lines at the police station claiming aliens had taken over her neighborhood. After arriving on the scene, Police only found a trailer full of Mexicans that had just moved in. Regardless, charges in this case will be filed pending a pregnancy test and medical examination of 'Wilbur' and 'Babe', local swine.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."