Kinsfolk
Local News
Spooked Cow Leaves Couple Homeless
". . . all I know is dat Bubba's hound dog come tearin' cross the driveway justa barking at that cow like it wuz possessed by the devil hisself! . . ." - neighbor's account.In a freak accident late Tuesday afternoon, the mobile home of "Tiny"
and Matilda Winthrop perished after it came off its cinder block supports. Joe Jackson, neighbor and sole witness of the trailer crash, describes the incident.
"...I'd just come home from the tractor pull down over in Cooter and I ran over to tell Tiny 'bout this ol' boy who lost control and kill't a bunch of da pit crew and the hot dog man! Anyways, Bubba from across da street let out ol' blue, his hound dog, ta take a shit. Soon as that dog caught site of Tiny's pet bull, he come tearin' cross the driveway like he was possessed by the devil hisself! I always knew dat bull was a pussy; I bet Bubba Jr. could ride 'em . . . "
"Big-Balled Harvey", the Winthrops prized bull, was chained to a cinderblock column that was supporting the trailer. After being spooked, the bull went crazy and tookoff for the pasture for refuge taking the support with him. The unstable trailer then fell 45 feet on the sloped lot. After landing on its side, the trailer continued to roll down the hill to its resting place on the side of route 46.
The Winthrop couple, who were on their monthly date playing bingo at the Elk's Lodge, were stunned to find out about the incident.
"Just wait 'til I find my buckshot. I's gonna shoot that damn hound dog in the ass and then go find that son of a bitch, Bubba, and shoot him in the ass just for being a dumbass. He don't know it, but he owes me uh trailer!" Tiny continued, "I's gonna shoot that dumbass sheriff in da ass too for interuptin' my Bingo game. Matilda almost had 5 in a row and she wuz gonna win us that boom box for the trailer!"
Earlier this year, Tiny was caught on tape getting ass raped by a donkey after making an emergency roadside stop with a case of the shits. If you would like to send the Winthrops your condolences, you can email them here.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."