Kinsfolk
Local News
Local Stripper Breaks Hip; Card Table in Critical Condition
Opal Leanne Harrel was admitted to Coonesville County General Lee Hospital
this evening around 10:30pm having sustained 3 cracked ribs and a broken hip. The incident occurred while Ms. Harrel was attending her 15th year class reunion in the Fellowship Hall of St. Mary of the Holy Zion of Christ's Glory Church of God. Opal, one of the "alternative exotic" dancers at the Déjà vu Gentleman's Club in Biloxi, returned to Coonesville to attend the reunion party with all her fellow classmates, yet only three graduated.
Opal arrived at the church at 5:30pm looking beautiful as always, dressed in her most conservative outfit: a tube top, denim skirt, and 6" platform heels. Ted Shlitz, one of Opal's old class mates, noticed her entrance, "Dat Opal surely was looking like glamour star from one of 'dem movie pictures when she stepped inta tha reunion. I plum barely knew her all sexed up and purty like 'm cousin Bertha on her communion day!"
Around 7:00pm, Opal and 4 of the local men left the reunion and decided to go down to Murphy's Pool Hall for a few drinks. They returned promptly at 9.
Ted Shlitz recaps the following events: "Wells first dem boys busted through tha door. I knowed they was drunk 'cuz they was a hootin' an hollerin' an they had bottles of mad dog 20/20 with 'em. Then dat Opal strolled in, Lord Forgive me I knows I was in a church but the sight of that heifer all boozed up made my manliness stand up an salute! Anyhow, the boys walked over to tha card table in the middle of tha room, the one with tha punch bowl on it and he threw that kool-aid clear on tha floor! Everybody was just as stunned as a deer in headlights does!"
The men then convinced the lovely Ms. Harrel to do a strip tease for her former classmates.
"They pulled some of them foldin chairs over and Bobby McKennit says to Opal, 'Come on baby! Get up on this here table and dance for us like you did at the pools hall!' Opal says she didn't have no music or she'd be up there working her bread basket lika jello mold in a earthquake. Well den Bobby got up and went out to his GMC 4/4 and brought in one'a dem high falutin music boxes dat plays dem cassette tapes. He started playin "Free Byrd" an Opal climbed up on dat table an started gyratin her body to tha music. Martha Maye Anne Shellbert said, 'Oh my goodness that fat woman is drunk get her down before she falls and cracks her head open like a melon!' "
Ms. Harrel then entertained the room by continuing with her rendition of "A Tootsie Roll."
Mr. Schlitz continued: "She had all the men's folk in tha room just a sweatin! Then it were the end of tha song where is goes real fast and Opal says, "Look ereybody this one's my big finale I always be getting at least $4 at the end of my shows! It's called the two step!" She took three steps towards myself and then it happened - she kicked her leg out like it wuz a country ham at the edge of the table and as she spun around, the table just gave in. All 370 lbs of Opal came crashin to the ground. When that ambulances got theres I had a tear in 'm eye. It was the finest dance I ever seened."
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."