Kinsfolk
Local News
Lezbeens On The Lose!
Charlton LeeDansville, a 17yr old volunteer firefighter, recently contacted PorkGravy.com with some vital late breaking news! The big buzz all over CB radio frequency 37 is that there are two escapee prisoners from Flacknerz State Prison for Women and they're hiding out somewhere in Coone County!
Everyone in town has their own personal theory on the two dangerous women skulking through our area. Some say they are simply decoys, created by the aliens, to cause a distraction for the police to lead them off of the trail of the mysterious happenings at the Hogmonder farm last November 26th. Others insist that they are, Bitsey Sherwood and Bertrice Patsy Womack come back after their failed attempts at becoming exotic dancers and they're just too ashamed to enter back into town society. However, most evidence points to Kristy P. Orridge and "Butch" Liza Mugillacuty two dangerous and feared convicts that managed to break out of their cells two weeks ago using a homemade bomb constructed of, a hair pin, a tampon, the centerfold of a 1987 issue of "Hustler" magazine, and 3 gallons of fermented urine. Both women we're convicted for the infamous Poggly Woggly robberies of 1974.
Randy Serrile Ruthmen, local truck driver and victim of a vicious donkey ass-raping a year ago, had a
frightening encounter with the two vigilantes. "I was drivin a'long in 'm rig commin' down ole route 76 ya know the one that goes all the way out yonder ta Wacco Texas with a load of chickens an' I sees this two fine wimans on tha side of tha rode. They was wearin prison uniforms but I was figgurin they was actresses in a wimens prison movie 'an they gots a flat," Ruthmen, aka 'Shady Lady'. "I pulled 'm rig over an they came up in the cab. Both of 'em pretty as a peach I was fixin on getting a little 'gratitude' for tha ride when the one puts her hand insides the other's shirt. Loard Hab Mercy! I was about fixin ta bust when I seed dat! Dat damn devil hussey she pulled a shank knife outta the other's shirt and held it to my necks! I lost my woodie faster 'an you can say jackrabbit. Then she says, 'You know how to get us to Coonesville boy?' And I said, 'Yes miss I don't want none of dat trouble ya hear.' Then she said, 'Good get your fat ass on then I have a score to settle with my man.' They was quiet the rest of the ways but them two wimans kept on touchin each other like a man do. I drove 'em to the town line 'an left 'em off at the truck stop. I dunna know whats to think but I do's know I ain't look at no more wimens prison movies! . . . "
Still hot on the trail of the aliens responsible for last week's bastard Christmas baby, Coonesville authorities had yet to locate the lezbeen hitch-hikers and wouldn't say whether they were suspects or not at presstime.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."