Kinsfolk
Local News
New Year's Bastard Baby Drop 2002
Coonesville, Dec. 31st. 2001: The whole town is gathered in Hanging Square, celebrating the coming new year and awaiting the big event. This year's lucky mother, 16 yr. old Jonelle Eflieburg sits proudly on the traditional, "Trap Door of Good Fortune" awaiting her magical ascent into the heavens. Two stories above the crowds of excited townsfolk she is perched getting drunk off of cheap concord wine and mad dog 20/20 she waits patiently for the festivities to begin. This is her special day…she's been waiting 9 months ever since the
Constable Gerrit Mackroe came to her home in response to a complaint about stray hound dogs humping on her back porch. He was in the mood for a little humping himself and so the miracle of this year's, "New Year's Bastard Drop" began.
Town Elder and professional knitter, Rayleena Johnson tells the history of the Bastard Drop. "Well I reckon it was 'round new years 1946 down on the old Buckford farm. Buckford's daughter Daisy was full up of child and about to pop that thing out when she started to think that she didn't want the child…back then we didn't know about beating the girl in the belly or trippin her down the steps to get rid of the thing. Daisy climbed up to her daddy's hayloft in the barn and crawled out on the chicken stoop ready to throw herself off. It was the new Sheriff at the time, Sid Dithers, that had gotten her knocked up one night when she called in to report her cousin for making love to her daddy's prize chicken. Anyhow there she was up on that stoop when the baby started coming. Young Daisy was only 12yrs old and scared beyond her wits. Her Daddy heard her screamin and came a running with his gun. He sees his girl up there 'bout to bring a life into the world so he ran in the house and called the police. Don't you know just in the knick of time as the head was popping out Sid pulled up in his cruiser. He was struck by the sight of this girl he knew biblically throwin a child out into the world…he ran over to where she was and he realized that it was HIS baby. He fainted dead away and just as he hit the ground that miracle baby came loose and fell. That Bastard child fell right onto his daddy's gut safe 'n sound at exactly the stroke of midnight. They named the baby, Bassturd Dithers and Sid married Daisy and they lived out their lives on the Buckford farm, boozing, cheatin and beatin.
11:30pm: all the men in the town help to hoist the lovely Jonelle up to the heavenly heights. The trap door opens and all step back waiting for the show to begin. So far there is no sign of Gerrit...
11:45pm: Still neither hide nor hair of Gerrit but Jonelle isn't going to let that ruin her 15 minutes of fame. She's up there smiling and waving, her bare ass flapping in the wind through the Trap Door. She is truly a super star!
11:55pm: The crowd below is worked up into a lynch mob like froth! The daddy
still hasn't shown and the fear is that someone not responsible for the pregnancy is going to have to catch that disgusting child.
30 seconds before midnight there's a terrible scream from above and all eyes are on Jonelle as the baby's head protrudes into the new world. The townsfolk start yelling "Push!!!" and "Remember to breath!". Just then Bassturd Dithers III in the excitement lets go of his prize-winnin huntin dog and it runs over to sniff the mess in the street.
Five! Four! Three! Two! One! The baby falls…all are struck silent as it lands on the back of Dither's dog and Gerrit comes walking up with a pork and kraut sandwich in one hand, the left breast of Opal Leanne Harrel in the other. Everyone turns and looks at him shocked. Gerrit then laughs, slaps his knee and said, "Once ya go black ya never go back…looks like'in I proved that wrong! Hey what's that thang caught in your dog's fur Bassturd?" Mother, father and child were rushed to Coonesville General Hospital and the shotgun wedding will be held next spring. HAPPY NEW YEARS MOTHER FUCKER'S from your best friends Skeeter and The Siren!
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."