Kinsfolk
Local News
Pork Gravy Christmas Special! - When Coons Attack!!!
"...Raccoons are an adorable sweet woodland creature with their striped tails and,"masks". Don't be fooled by their gentle appearance and cute antics for underneath may lie a far more sinister persona. Sweet? Cuddly? Cute? How about, Satan's Own Death Rodents From the Deepest Depths of Hell's Sweltering Noxious Bowels? The Demon woodland Beast that turned a most joyful day into a blood fest of terror and sorrow for a local family. Woe to the man that comes face to face with the unrelenting wrath of nature gone wrong!..."
Little 7yr old, Jimmy Slatline, son of well known local Deputy Sheriff Fernando and home maker Regina Slatline was rushed to Coonesville General hospital last Sunday morning after being seriously mauled and basically violated in general by a raccoon of abnormal size and fierceness speculated to be infected with the rabies virus.
To get some insight on the workings of rabies in animals we interviewed local Veterinarian, Dr. S. Cabies, seen here working on Ms. Jones, local heiffer. When asked what could be done to help poor Jimmy, Dr. Cabies opened a drawer in his desk and removed a huge manual and began to thumb pages. As he searched I got a chance to look at the spine of the book and saw it as being entitled, "Colostomy for Dummies". I enquired as to what colostomy had to do with the rabies virus and was told to, "Shut yur cake hole you're no damn doctor you just stick to the writin part!" After about 10 minutes of suspenseful silence Dr. looked up at me and said, "Who in the hell are you? Wanna them city slickin folk? Get on outta here I have a dentist appointment in awhile I gots no time fer the likes of y'all."
Moving on I went to the home of the Slatline family to get an eyewitness account of what happened. I talked with Regina and this is what she had to say, "Well Fern an' Jimmy Boy went out this
morning to that ole lot down by the river to cut us down a tree fer Santy Clause and they came home with a with a right dandy one! It only had one bald spot on it and only 10" missin off the top! It's by far the purtiest tree we ever had. We set it up in the livin room so's Jimbo could have a night light from the blinkers when he slept. We decorated it and took a picture with the chile standin in front then we plugged it in an' this devil monster jumped out and ate my babies face! It was riding on his head like a bronco buster squeaking and holler'in like it had pure evil inside then it stopped, hunkered back and bit my baby right on his left cheek! It was the devil I say! I'll never forgive that monster! Fern caught him and threw him out back in the pit with the dogs till the SPCA can get here and serve justice on the creature.
Reports from Coonesville hospital are currently inconclusive at this time. However, we do know Christmas will never be the same at the Slatline home and this is only one of several reports of raccoon evil made in the past several months.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."