Kinsfolk
Local News
Little Armless Jimmy Kills PETA Activist
While checking the herds Thursday night, Jimmy Cougar Wallace, better known as "Little Armless Jimmy", shot
and killed a suspicious man who was apparently trying to herd cows out of their pasture through a hole he had cut open in the fence.
Peter Lilly-Packer, the culprit / victim was trying to "save the planet" by releasing cows into the street, but only succeeded in pushing one cow to
freedom. Lilly-Packer, the secretary of the Peach City Branch of "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals"(PETA), has been known for taking matters into his own hands to "save helpless creatures from the pain and turmoil humans inflict upon them."
Hero "Little Jimmy", who had to pull the trigger with his tongue, was a little shaken up by the incident, but his momma was proud. "That'll teach dem damn hippies to come down here to Coonesville. Where in der' hell do them think McDonald's would be right now if it wasn't fer us hard werkin'
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farmers?!" Mrs. Wallace continued, "Them cows aint stupid. We still hadn't fixed that fence and ain't none of them left."
The cows had no comment, but seemed unmoved by the whole ordeal.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."