Kinsfolk
Local News
Local Man Fucked Into a Coma; Wallet Missing
Early Friday morning, police were contacted by Cletus Hogmonder, local Farmer and
avid female body building enthusiast, who had come across the body of Buford Hamilton in his pig pen.
Witnesses say Hamilton, who had eaten Thanksgiving dinner earlier in the evening, was at the Coonesville Ski
Lodge Thursday night, "drinking away his sorrows and suffering a mighty indigestion."
Sources say the forced sodomy must have occurred sometime after leaving to drive his tractor home. Hamilton was picked up assumedly by another man, anally raped, and left for dead in the pig pen of Hogmonder, who found the nearly lifeless body while making his morning rounds to check on his livestock. Hogmonder was quoted as saying, "Well I dun know nuffin bout dat boy 'cept I hears he was a fairy
and I found m' piglets a trifle hurtin all huddled up in a far corner of the pen squealin fo' they lifes."
Following every lead in the case, Police say their prime suspect is Frat Boy and known gay Jethro "Jed" Jensen Samson III, better known to locals as "Jeddy-iffer." At present time "Jeddy-iffer", who has no immediate family, has yet to be apprehended. Hamilton's wallet was found in the jeans of a pair of smegma stained pants on Samson's clothesline void of anything other than a CBA (Coonesville Beef Association) membership card, a Coone County Library card, and a condom wrapper expiration dated 12/1982.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."