Kinsfolk
Local News
Local Effected by WTC Attacks
A local veteran 7-11 employee from Coonesville was effected first hand by the recent terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centers and the Pentagon. Miss Gertude "Lady" Donahue had just been transferred from her local quickie mart to the company's lower Manhattan
location so she could oversee the training of new employees.
"I new that dang big city wudn't for me," Lady Donahue said. "But I new if I done took that position, new employee slushie machine head trainer, I could get me a raise and go places with the extra 200 bucks," added Lady. She also said that if she saved long enough, she would be able to get a sponsorship for the monster truck rally in the annual Coonesville-Cooter games and fulfull her life-long dream of piloting one of the behemoths over old jalopies. Lady said at the time the first airliner was flown into the North tower of the World Trade Center, she was behind the counter by the cigarettes. "I just heard and explosion and thought Habid had let the slushie machine build up too damn much pressure, I done had told his arab ass over and over bout watching those damn things." Several minutes later, a second jet hit the
World Trade Center. "That time I done seen flames and shit falling from the sky outside the window so I just sceamed and clutched mah chest and lept over by the cigrets away from the window, like this." She then said that pretty soon after that she realized something terrible had happened and began to see the panic in the streets. "People just started runnin' down the road and the sidewalk like in that one Blob movie, that was a good one. My third husband/cousin took me to see it once at the drive-in. One man done run in the store and said 'you need to get out of here, terrorists are attacking the city' but I just stayed."
When questioned about her bravery and loyalty to the her quickie mart, she simply said "well, I figur'd that those damn raghead camel jockeys done did it, and that's all that worked for me on the slushie team, so ain't no terrorist gonna attack no 7-11." Mysteriously, Lady Donahue's store was one of the few buildings not harmed by the collapsing of the towers. Also spared were a local Armenian deli and Bin Laden Liquors.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."