Kinsfolk
Local News
Three Local Women Go "Big Time"
Three of Coonesville's finest ladies have traveled to Biloxi to work at the famous Deja Vu strip club.
Bitsey Claire Sherwood, Bertrice Patsy Womack, and Opal Leanne Harrel have purchased nice single wide to live in until they "make it big." Deja Vu owner Wesley "Royal" Spitz said many have asked why he would hire the ladies, who will be stripping odd days of the week and holidays.
"Most my competition says I've made a mistake hiring Bitsey, Bertrice, and Opal. They say people will stop coming out of utter disgust," however, Spitz says he has a solution for that. "The new heifers will be stripping in their own private room, away from the usual patronage." Spitz also says he feels confident he will be able to recoup the money lost from having to remodel the club's sign to better fit the new lineup on stage. According to Spitz, he feels that "now the Deja Vu can cater to a new class of customers, the trashier side of society, who often prefer more homely ladies." From this he plans to increase revenue. Also, he feels he will now be able to gain back money he's been losing by kegs of the Beast and Natural Lite spoiling because nobody will buy such cheap beer.
"These damn hillbillies just soak the stuff up."
PGN asked Opal Harrel why she wanted to leave Coonesville. She said her new job would allow her and her boyfriend, Tyrone Leroy Jones, who will also be staying in the single wide, to live in peace away from her father. "He done alriddy drove his Chevette into the side of my trailer when I was datin' Paco. I just dun wanna think bout what he might do now dat i'm datin' an afreekan pygmy man, specilly when he drunk," said Opal before adding "besides, we're having a baby." Tyrone added "I beat that damn cracker's ass he tries any shit."
Bertrice said all the men would be coming to see the trio since "Royal said we were extree special and deserved our own dancin' room, away from the other ladies." Bitsey would also like everyone in Coonesville to know she will be assuming the stage name "Southern Divinity" and that she hopes to someday gain enough fame to make PGN's spread for Hottie and a Half of the Month.
While many are upset over the loss of such fine specimens from Coonesville, some say they'll definitely be staying "in touch." "Hoo, I for one know I'll be headin' down ta Biloxi for a peek at those ladies, daggum de're hot, mmm" said Howard Dwayne Dozier, local above ground pool salesman.
DEVELOPING...
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."