Kinsfolk
Local News
The Butt-Raping UFO's Strike Again
Earl Roscoe Jackson has once again returned to Coonesville from one of his
frequent absences. Prone to alien abductions, the local gentry is not at all surprised. Interviewed at Mel's Barber Shop, Clit Marshall said "ev'body done know that damn Earl is some sort of alien sex slave, kinda like when i was under the spell of that triflin' saucy wench Ellie Mae Hewlitt Monroe. Lord mama said watch out for that type. That skeezer done blow her Winston smoke in my face down at the Porky's one Friday night in a way that just invoked all kinds of unsavory passions. Bitch got me drunk of Lite beer and raped me. Just like them aliens been doing to Earl. I still think that damn "Spatula" thing that crawled out of trailer 5B is one of Earl's freggin' alien spawn off-sprang."
Other townsfolk aren't so convinced that UFOs are the culprit. One such is
Mack Lewis, pictured with his sister Leeza. According to Mack, Earl has been lying for years about his abductions when in fact he has been taking local ladies across the county line to a shack on his daddy's land for what he calls "romantic getaways."
"Damn Earl done been luring all the honies out of Coonesville and taking that sweet virgin flower. Just like he done done to Leeza. Goddamn him to hell, I had had my eye on those tits since she hit puberty" said Mack before breaking down into tears mumbling "she'll just never feel the same, tainted forever."
Upon his return, Earl graphically detailed the abduction: "I was out in front of 8C, watering my girlfriend's used-tire flower-pots, the ones under the IROC-Z engine hangin'
from that oak limb i been using as a hoist when i done seen it again, that alien ship a comin' for me. Usually i run, but lately i just give up. That tractor-beam just too damn strong. Now this one wudn't no saucer thang, more like an old Winnebago. It got me, only this time no anal probe right away. Instead they done take me to the mother ship. It was real nice. Looked like that mythical triple-wide old codger Sam always ramblin' bout seeing one time in Biloxi when he gets too drunk. There was country curtains, smelled like pork chops, even a picture of the General Lee over the toilet. I thought them aliens gonna treat me right for a change. I was dead wrong, I got more anal probes than ever. They done impregnated me eight times and keeping those damn babies so they can give em to my exes so they can claim child support. Damn conspiring UFOs."
Whether Mack or Earl or too be believed is unknown. Nonetheless, Sheriff Johnson has warned that townsfolk should watch out for aliens and brandish sawed-off shotguns and pitchforks for defense. He added "and don't be downtown hiring no whores neither."
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."