Kinsfolk
Local News
Coonesville Celebrates Mothers Everywhere
This year's annual Mother's Day Pig-Pickin' Orgy went off without a hitch thanks to our good friends at the local Lion's Club, Kiwanis Club, and Elk's Lodge. The three organizations teamed up again to help Coonesville residents honor each of their mothers, aunts, and step-mom/half sisters however many times removed.Festivities at this year's event included a barbeque supper, a mountain oyster eating contest, a horseshoe tournament, and the infamous diving heifer. This year's lucky jumper was none other than veluptuous celebrity Darlene Cates, also known for her debut as Pork Gravy's Hottie and a Half centerfold in December 2001.
Other than a carton of Benson & Hedges Super Slim 100s or Schlitz beer, popular gifts for Coonesville moms were raffle tickets to the Mother's Day Pig-Pickin' mystery prize. This year's lucky winner: Julianne K-martina Hodges, seen here posing with her new bed. Mrs. Hodges was astonished to learn that her prize was a high-class Craftmatic II Adjustable bed. She exclaimed her excitement:
"I's is the happiest momma this corner of the Appalachians! I feel like one of dem fools running around on the 'Price is Right', winning dem one of those trips to the beach!! It's gonna look real nice next to my new cynder block night stand in my trailer! Now only if I could get Skooter to move those damn guns..."
Unfortunately, Julianne Hodges third husband, Skooter Cornmeal, was not available for comment.
The Craftmatic II Adjustable bed was donated by the Jefferson family, after sorting through the estate of their rich grandmother who unfortunately passed away due to an extreme case of ghonnorea and the claps last month in Cooter. She was 38.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."