Two long suspected vigilantes accused of involvement in the "Special Olympics" maiming were finally apprehended last Friday night in the parking lot of the local Coonseville Lion's Club. The two were arrested upon leaving "Friday Night Double Card Bingo Madness" and were found to be armed with a sawed off 22g. shotgun, several bingo blotters, and a large bottle of Astro Glide.

The criminals, 54 year old Starletta-Lynn "Heat 'n Serve" Donoho and her 23 year old lover Heffner Limburg, admitted to the 1996 assault of 20 year old, Reginald Scottsvail IV. Known for being the local special kid and grocery bag boy at Bell's Grocery store that's always smiling at people, Scottsvail was shot in the ass with a frozen paintball while riding his bike outside his home in Shannon's Trailer Park. He was later transferred to Coonesville City Animal Clinic to have the paintball removed. Reginald Scottsvail, a.k.a. "Regg the Sped", only had this to say about the incident:

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In her own defense Starletta-Lynn claims, "Me an 'm boy was just looking for a place to park the truck so we's could do a little work on 'm plumbin ya know and then this big ole devil came along down the road on a 10 speed looking like Boss Hog, rest his sweet southern soul, wit dem skin chiggers. I thought it was dem damn aliens coming for me and my stud boy 'cuz ya know how they like to dress up and we was scared! I said, "Shoot dat devil!" and Mhatty got out his paint ball gun an shot him dead in his nether parts. I was mad we was fixin on shootin up a cow later that night after the lovin. When we saw it was 'Regg the Sped' with dat der ball of paint wedged in the side 'a his ass we laughed and laughed. We drove that there block 3 times over to see him rollin on the ground squealin like a hog-tied pig. Tell that there warden I need glue for 'm dentures! "

Heffner Limburg was not available for comment on the shooting. Police say he was attending a prison blanket party at the time of the interview but further attempts to contact him for comment will be made.