Kinsfolk
Local News
Saint Patrick's Day Massacre
Coonesville resident Heffner Limburg was found dead after attending the local drunken St. Patty's Day Parade.
Local coroner ruled the cause of death to be accidental asphyxiation by means of swollen neck bone.
Popular for the ass-shooting of Special Olympic medalist Reginald Scottsvail IV, Heffner's long time lover and partner in shenanigans, Starletta-Lynn "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho gave details of the grizzly affair.
"Heff an I was down at dat dere parade wit a mess a' dem one-eye jacks ina milk jug tryin ta be festive an wouldn't cha just knowed dat saucy hose beastess Ellie Mae Hewlett Monroe comes a saunterin over. Well she thought she was regular shit ona shingle in her green acid-warshed denim jacket 'an matchin pants all bedazzeled wit green rhinestones. She come over and looked my sweet angel boy Heff up 'n down an she says, "Hey there Stud when you going to take me up on that 'corned beef' I offered to ya?" I tell ya I was fit to be frazzled! I grabbed Heff's adam's apple and pinched. I was a regula banshee I grabbed that thing and I yanked back 'n forth! I was hollerin "Ya wants dat corned beef huh? I'ma shows you what da fightin irish be about! Ya should'a worn green boy!" Next I knowed it he was on tha side walk gaspin den he just stopped an I...(interlude while crying) Das tha god honest truth of it an I ain't liein nither none! Say you know 'lil armess Jimmy's number?"
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."