Kinsfolk
Local News
Ass-Rapings on the Rise; Donkeys at Fault
February 1st and Valentine's Day has come to our fair city early. The entire town is all a flutter with the touch of cupid's arrow. High school students make it to third bass with their girlfriends under the bleachers beside the football field during P.E. class. Farmers pay loving attention to their prize sheep with lust-filled intent. Wives make their TV dinners special, making sure the beer is extra cold before donning black, see-through muumuus, with pink marabou trim and matching sling backs bought on special over at the K-mart in Cooter. Ahh the ways of love! However in the midst of all this lovin something was afoul.
Casanova Jr., the offspring of Earl Haggerty's infamous 2nd place prize-winning donkey featured in a previous article"A Donkey and the Shits" and a not-so prize winning paraplegic amputee female burro, is the culprit of a series of rape incidents that spread county wide over the past two days. Coonesville is left shocked and sore after the mayhem that has ravaged through the hearts and very souls of our citizens. Not since the "Beers, Steers and Queers" festival of 1992 has so much pain fallen upon the butt of our community as a whole.
We caught up with Mr. Haggerty, seen here relaxing on hole 2 of the Peach County golf course, while he was tending the main office and mailroom of his wife's business, "Shannon's Mobile Home Community" for comment on the incident. Haggerty was quite distraught, sitting on a hemorrhoid ring and weeping as he recounted as best he could the events of the past two days.
"Well, I's out in the barn feedin dem there horseys an' I heared a mighty hee-hawin from the back, over 'round Cassernover's stall.
I said 'Lord Niggra Jesus Above!' and I's go to see what be ailin 'em. I's most surprised to come upon dat 'ere donkey up on his hind legs rubbin 'is man meat on a broken 2x4. Saint's alive, that donkey pecker was as long one a dem' special 3ft summer sausages Lester Alritch makes fer the County Fair an as big 'round as one a tha missus' meatloafs!! It was like that day-ja-voodoo shit that dem scientists always talkin 'bout," Mr. Haggerty explained.
The following description is quite graphic and not suitable for our younger readers.
"Then, all I's know is dat donkey started making eyes at me like my head was a bail of hay or somethin'. I knew that look, it was the same look that donkey's daddy had when he was jumpin on Tiny last year when he had da shits! And boy, as fast as I turned to get da hell outta there, I done tripped on his water bucket. I think that damn donkey put it there on purpose! Befo' I could get up, that donkey's sausage was in me like da flu and all I knows is I've had ta take a shit ever since…."
Mr. Haggerty wasn't the only victim of the donkey-love that was lingering in the air. At least 16 other incidents including one death have been reported of farmers who have fallen to the man-meat of the usually docile livestock, and the commercial district has felt the blow. Ray's Stop n' Shop has recently sold out of Preparation H and doesn't expect another shipment for a month. All hope is not lost though.
"My daddy wud just get a big bowl of cornmeal and molasses all mixed up and get momma to stick that shit on his butthole," Ray Stiffer, the CEO of Ray's Stop n' Shop, explained. "We also got some good ol' pig's feet and cow shank on sale too if you's stoppin' by."
Regardless of the upcoming Valentine's Day and all the festivities that come with it, you can rest assured that donkey owners everywhere will be watching their asses.
Starletta "Heat-n-Serve" Donoho says:
"...Just you wait, Baby, it's coming!!!... The new PorkGravy v3.0 is gonna put hair on yur chest!!! Hot Damn!..."